Amtrak, it’s the best, worst way to travel!

Where are the 99%? They must have their own airline.

I often tell people they should ride Amtrak from California to Denver in their lifetime because it was the most beautiful travel experience I’ve ever had.  I then run swiftly in the opposite direction while warning, “It could be the worst travel experience of your life!”.  There are sleeper cars….for the rich.  Traveling by sleeper car compared to coach is like crossing the Atlantic in first class versus in steerage on the Lusitania.  Have you every traveled on Amtrak?  I don’t mean from Boston to Union Station.  I’m talking about a trip that requires you visit the restrooms, attempt sleep and check for your wallet.  If you can overcome the following two obstacles you may have the best, worst trip of your life.

Your fellow passengers

You may remember earlier this year, a woman successfully maintained a 16 hour-long cellphone conversation from Oakland, CA to Salem, OR on a train.  You may not understand why she was arrested for disturbing the peace, but I do.  I’ve been there in that dark, rickety, rocking, boxcar while some poor sap discusses matters you don’t tell a priest in a voice only used to sell hot dogs at a ballgame!  On a Chicago to Indianapolis commuter I listened to a teenage father tell his cellphone that it “better make sure my mother stays out of my f**kin fridge”, “better tell that bitch to get her own welfare checks if she’s hungry”, and that his “three kids were alone again for a few days and that someone should stop by to turn the TV off so they don’t get stupid”.  If it weren’t for the fact I was eavesdropping I may have asked him to please be quiet too. But cellphones are allowed, and so is loud ranting.  Some of the passengers will probably be either smelly, crazy, extremely irritating or doing something illegal.  If you can, opt for the private sleeper car, which will cost more than a flight so just buy the damn plane ticket.

Do you know why you are more likely to encounter a smelly, irritating, neurotic, criminal passenger on a train than on a plane?  Because most train goers forgo plane travel for very practical reasons:

1. Passenger can smoke often at frequent smoke stops (mmmm, Eau D’ashtray)
2. Passenger may have a debilitating fear of flying (neurotic yapper)
3. Passenger may have more time than money (financially struggling, stressed, probably angry because you feel entitled to the armrest)
4. Passenger may be blacklisted by civil aviation authorities (crazy ranter, alcoholic, publicly violent, your hopeful neighbor)
5. Passenger may be doing something illegal that TSA would most likely catch (gun smuggler, drug mule, those body scanners don’t look so bad now, huh?)
6. Passenger may be too large for a plane seat (Really big people can’t fit on planes, and really, really big people can’t get up the first flight of stairs on the train so they’re stuck in the first level dungeon.  A claustrophobic wouldn’t last a minute down there!)

Hey, can we share that armrest?

Tolerance is key.  It’s also useful to come to terms with the fact that you are also traveling by train and most likely fit the above profile.  These are your people, settle in.  Hello my name is Jane Doe, and I’m a neurotic, financially struggling and frustrated traveler with a debilitating fear of flying.

Trains arrive when they pull in

“What is your ETA, conductor?”, Passenger asks.  Train conductor replies, “Excuse me, I don’t understand that acronym, what are you asking me, miss?”.  There is no ETA on Amtrak, there is only the WWA: When We Arrive.  When the train pulls in it may be sunrise, it may be sunset, it may be high noon, but it will surely be when you arrive.  With lots of time and little money, that’s OK by my standards.  But don’t be that guy that takes the train and complains about being late.  Everybody hates him and he usually get plummeted with shoes.  Shoes of Amtrak passengers.

My grandmother rides Amtrak and there is nothing sexy about that.  She cross-countries by Amtrak, in coach, with four jackets and a hand-knitted afghan (trains are cold even by a New Englander’s standards).  This little, old, miserly Wasp from Boston only rides Amtrak because she is cheap and has nowhere to be but lovingly placed in a coffin.  This is a great Amtrak passenger trait.  Not only do you not need to be anywhere on time, but it’s just best if the train is very late and maybe doesn’t even get there at all.

Five hours late, right on time!

There are many highlights to going by train, like friendly staff, easy check-ins and amazing scenery.  So when booking your next domestic travel, consider Amtrak, it’s the most awesome, horrible, memorable, preferably forgettable way to go!  And then there’s Greyhound…

This is me in my private sleeper after 3 nights in coach