Poo II, the final cut

Pardon me, 2 poo posts back to back is poo much.  But today I had a flutalation, my life is full of poo and always has been!  So time to turn that brown upside down!  I really mean it, I have s*#$% experience!  My credentials are listed below.

• My 5th job in life, 2nd job in college, I worked in an E. Coli lab (aka poo lab).  I was surrounded by manure and its devilish bacterium.  One day, opening a puffy bottle of festering pig manure, I lost my innocence.  Try to walk through an agricultural campus back to your apartment covered in that smell and see if it doesn’t mess with your sense of worth.

Image by Sustainable sanitation via Flickr

• My 7th job in life, 4th in college, was working at a state park.  The office had a septic bubbling in the front yard and a well head providing drinking water in the back.  It was only a matter of time before the septic water made it to the well, so we all stayed clear of the faucet.  But one day my boss was irresponsible, or vindictive, and filled my water jug with faucet water.  After a few chugs, its scent and taste was foreboding.  I stood not 10 feet from a toilette or bush for the next week.  I had been sickened by the human feces of my fellow coworkers.  Top that.

Open sesame, I'm thirsty , Mister!

• My 9th job of my life, 8 days after graduation, was working on farms.  Cow manure, pig manure, you name it, I was covered in it.  It has an earthy smell that I’ve grown quite fond of, so I can’t complain much here.  But maybe stained with manure all day, everyday, does something to a person, karmically, you know?

Comparatively speaking....Not so bad, ah?

• My last job I maintained a worm composting system in which worms eat food and paper and turn it into…drumrole….POO!  I was the traveling worm poop lady and was even featured in a national newspaper about the pooping worms.  I went to schools and festivals with my droppings and called them castings to get people open to touch it.  I gave bags of worm droppings to friends, teachers, kids, coworkers.  Ever had anybody request your poo?  Didn’t think so.

Bag O' Poo special for yooOUUUU!

Now my life is pointless because it’s pooless.  Just a little cat turd here, a dog pile there.  So life has given me poo in the form OF life.  Oh universe, what clarity you show unto me in these times of strife.  I am now putting poo to rest for a while, readers.

Poo

Dirty park dove grips little boy's hair like a whore's and drops a hot mess. Tragic.

Today was a grown adult’s version of crapping your pants at work, getting shot in the face by Dick Chaney, being held hostage by a dove with diarrhea or maybe (this is pushing it) being trapped in an elevator with that crazy lady from the gym sauna while country music is playing in the background.  As a new blogger, I didn’t even prepare for this moment….I have nothing particularly funny to say, and really just quite a lot of the opposite.  This is why people blog on TOPICS!  Oh, sustainable health and living blog, I will swear you off ’til I’m homeless….so maybe in April?

I have been enjoying blogging….I sit down at night, collect myself, the comedy builds, my thoughts are flowing through my fingers and then WOORDSSS!  I end up laughing at what I wrote and feel like I have done something purposeful besides throw my resumes and hopes into an abyss where nepotism and advanced degrees trump all else.

In writing this, I am beginning to see the problem-I’m constantly teetering on the edge of insanity (where the comedy is!).  But today I was on a teeter totter with the fattest kid at school who pinned my and shook me off into the muddy playground.  Now I’m known as “doo doo face Solomon” and nobody wants to sit with me at lunch because I smell like rotten dog park poo.

Does this break some rule about blog etiquette?  For the most part I am talking to myself, and God knows I have NO verbal filter.  So maybe this is OK.  Yes, it is OK because my Valium is kicking in…don’t worry, it’s a real prescription from my old family doctor.  He maxed out my doses when I lost my job and soon-following insurance, he’s more like a psychic actually.

Wishing everyone a better tomorrow.  Now where’s my National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation movie………