So I’m at home visiting Hawaii and find it difficult to blog when I have a choice between beach or Macbook. But I thought what better time to share with some of you the wonderful characteristics about my hometown that have shaped my delusional sense of reality. If you’ve ever visited the Big Island of Hawaii before, you will understand this post. If you have only visited Waikiki for a lameass luau or have never been here at all, you may find the following a bit of a let down, like grabbing onto a pair of fake boobs for the first time.
Lego’s are considered appropriate building materials
There is a classic song from the 50’s called “Little Grass Shack” and the lyrics describe a desire to go back to the simply life of Hawaii in a little town called Kealakekua. If there was a state structure just as there is a state flower, it would be a shack. In Hawaii, shacks are an acceptable form of housing and, unlike the mainland, evoke no judgment or assumption of your social or financial status.
In Hawaii, zip ties are substituted for rebar and tarps are equally sufficient roofing and drywall material. It’s appropriate, really. Hurricanes rarely visit the islands (just like the city of New Orleans) and the sun and saltwater are harsh on buildings, accelerating wear and tear. So why invest in real building materials when you might have to renovate them in 100 years?
This is also a highly active volcanic region which produces numerous earthquakes monthly. It seems that investing in expensive construction on an island with 2 active and 1 dormant volcano is just pointless. I mean, Haiti is poor now but imagine if they had invested millions in construction to follow strict building codes and safety regulations. Thousands of people would be alive today and they would have to reinvest all that lost money!
Everyone wears bikinis
Now bikinis are wonderful and having a brown ass is something that I treasure. But there is an unspoken boundary which should not be crossed when it comes to bathing suit attire. My guideline, When you look like you ate Alice in Wonderland’s “Eat Me” cake, it’s time to upgrade.
Now clearly, this woman needs an upgrade. I bet her 8-year-old sister is wondering where her bikini went.
When people come to Hawaii they believe they will see this…
But this is the false portrayal of the american woman in a bikini. We all wish our asses looked like this but I stopped lying to myself years ago.
Everyone is welcome to wear whatever they want. But stop the delusions. You’re Hawaiian vacation will not be full of beautiful, smiling Hawaiian women bringing you coconut cocktails in a thong for many reasons.
1) White man killed off most of the Native Hawaiians.
2) The remaining native Hawaiian are not stoked to bring you, another cock-a-sion, a f*cking drink. Smile may not be included.
3) Most locals here in thongs are either under 21 or don’t work because they’re too beautiful to be bothered with it.
Your vacation is most likely going to consist of other tourons (remember that word? moronic tourist) just as lost and needy as you, looking like this…
Caucvasions are celebrated
The Big Island happens to also be the first placed white man landed in Hawaii in 1779. I refer to this as the caucvasion: a white man invasion, a takeover, and ultimate mere extinction of a native people; also known as a very dickish move.
Captain Cook committed his caucvasion in 1779 landing in Kealakekua Bay twice a few weeks apart. First time around he was welcomed, second time around he was murdered. The caucvasion here did what it does everywhere across the world. It inevitably deteriorates an existing native culture and leaves a population of controlled survivors after the wars and disease. It’s a beautiful process that America has been trying to perfect in the Middle East, but I think the Dutch and English may have been a bit better at it.
You can go to this historical place by boat and see the monument placed in Captain Cook’s honor. It’s an amazing feat, discovering a bunch of people living on an island together.
If you go to this bay by boat or kayak you can still see the present day re-enactment of the caucvasion. They use kayaks instead of ships and look more like an invasion of drunk donkeys than trained soldiers and seamen.
This is actually a great place to drag your kayak and walk considering it’s a marine life conservation district and national historical monument. It’s no wonder “touron” was one of my favorite new words.
Regardless of all this sarcasm, it is a beautiful place to live and visit.